Vipassana, Day 0: That Which We Consume

Original post date: July 14, 2017

Smoked salmon avocado toast and a kale smoothie. Clearly I  was not in my right mind  when I placed this order at the San Francisco cafe I’d agreed to meet my ride share at: I’d been happily vegan for about a month and also kale is harsh on my stomach. Travel tends to have a disorienting effect on me. The food hit me like a bomb.

Leo, a forty year old German in the middle of a divorce, greeted me  with a  warm hug and asked if I as OK  with him drinking a coffee before  we got on our  way. A sense of relief arose for me when Leo told me that we were going to pickup Julie, a twenty-five year old Chinese girl who also needed a ride to the course; I wouldn't have to go through the excruciating awkwardness of holding a conversation  with Leo. I could fade away in the back seat and in the the depths of my mind - my comfort zone. To be fair, my stomach was very upset by then and I felt exhausted from the flight. And Leo, although more inclined than I to converse, seemed preoccupied  with his thoughts as well. This was mine and Leo’s first course and Julie’s third.

I laid in the back seat and drifted off to sleep immediately. I awoke about to hours later to the  winding mountainous road that led to the course location. I rolled my  window down to see if the fresh air would ease my nauseousness and although it helped, it was so bad we had to make a stop.

My hair had become tangled (so tangled I thought I’d have to cut a piece of it off) from the wind. I sat in a corner at the cafe attempting to fade away, but Julie and Leo who were completely oblivious to my social awkwardness and completely caring sat by me and tried to comfort me. when Julie saw me attempting to untangle a big knot she looked at me  with her sweet face, approached me  with her child-like energy, and began untangling my hair. I don’t know  how she managed to do it, but she did.   With so much patience.

We arrived to the course location and after checking in and turning my phone over I headed straight to the cabin I would share with five other women for the next ten days. The first of many synchronicities I would experience during this trip: Julie would be sharing a room with me. Our space divided by nothing more than a thin sheet hanging in the middle of the room.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit my pillow. I was taken back by the sensation of aching legs and feet. I hadn’t realized just how tired I’d been feeling lately.

My mind and heart were also exhausted. when I’d arrived at the San Francisco airport I couldn’t resist the urge to look at my ex’s instagram account. I knew that his new girlfriend would be in town and I had a feeling I’d come across pictures of them together. I thought it through quickly and decided I’d browse anyways. I saw pictures of them doing the same things we’d done together. The same things he’d done with the one prior to me. My feelings of sadness, loneliness, and of not being enough were triggered. They would visit me for the first couple of days in CA.

To clarify, I don’t want to get back with my ex. we had been separated for about six months and we’d maintained a distant friendship. It was more than evident to the both of us that although we shared deep appreciation for each other, we could not make it work. The feelings that were triggered live in me. He simply happened to be who/what triggered them in that moment.

I awoke in time for dinner. I headed to the dining hall and sat at a long table with various other women. Noble silence had not yet begun. The energy of the room was loud and agitated. Everyone was chatting and mingling as if they were attempting to speak as much as possible prior to beginning noble silence.

After dinner we all headed to the meditation hall for our first hour long sit. Thoughts of my ex came up for me during my sit. He would come up for me during every sit for the rest of the course. I’d expected he would come up for me a lot during the course, but I didn’t think it would happen every time I sat to meditate. Now that the course is over I wonder if he’d have come up as much if I had not looked at those pictures.

The effects of what we choose to consume, in every sense of the phrase (visually and internally in my particular case) , become crystal clear when we are stripped of distractions.