Vipassana, Last Day: Be Happy, Just Be Happy
Original post date July 12, 2018
The Eclectic group of woman I had been sharing my Vipassana journey with in compete silence had begun to feel like family. I had not exchanged words with any of them, yet they felt familiar to me in a way that felt beautiful and mysterious. It was the energy that their beings exuded, that and only that, which I'd gotten to know intimately. There is a lot less room for judgement to occur when words aren't in the picture.
Towards the end of the course I felt more peaceful than when I had arrived; I felt more rested. I did not, however, feel like suddenly I had all the answers. Traumas from my childhood which I thought would surely surface during my meditation did not surface. My mind had been mainly occupied with thoughts of my ex-boyfriend and with my then business partner / good girlfriend with whom I'd had a disagreement prior to leaving Jupiter. I felt satisfied for having attended Vipassana, but I wasn't feeling anything like what serious Vipassana mediators had described to me. And then, on the last day, we practiced Metta (loving-kindness meditation). Goenka, the now-deceased teacher for all Vipassana courses in this tradition, is VERY entertaining. Today attendees receive his teachings via audio and video recordings. He keeps you engaged with his sense of humor and with Buddhist stories. His voice, at times a little creepy sounding and at times so funny I almost laughed out loud during sits, had become a source of comfort for me towards the end of the course. He guided us through the simplest Metta meditation I've ever done - and it changed my life.
I can recall my state of mind as I walked into the meditation Hall. I was feeling light, happy, excited to be on the last day of the course, and wondering when we would get to learn and practice Metta. I sat cross-legged, hips elevated on two cusions (in a seat which took a couple of days to perfect) eyes closed, and then Goenka came on. He chanted. His voice, the energy of it was different. He was embodying something else this time. I now know that he was in a state of deep compassion and love.
*I will resume the experience so as to not give away too much for those who’ve yet to attend course.*
May I be happy.” He said those words in a way I’d never heard them spoken before and as soon as he was done speaking tears instantly and unexpectedly rolled down my face. I cried for a long time in that hall. It was a cleansing cry. My God, my heart physically and energetically burst open in that moment. I suddenly understood the entire purpose of the course: JUST BE HAPPY. It’s simple. Our minds create all the suffering that we experience and the course teaches you how to liberate yourself from misery. That’s when the gratitude poured in. Gratitude engulfed my being.
As we exited the hall we were notified that Noble Silence had come to an end. We were free to speak to each other. I walked out of the hall slowly, mindfully, and noticed familiar feelings of social anxiety and awkwardness arising within me. I had felt so much more comfortable around the women in silence. There hadn’t been any pretending in silence. There hadn’t been any hiding. I did not feel ready to speak. The thought of speaking felt almost like a violent act at that point.
I decided to walk around the group of women that had gathered in a circle outside of the cabins. They were greeting each other and speaking fast - their personalities enlivening their bodies. I overheard some of their conversations and to my surprise their voices sounded nothing like what I’d imagined they would.
I made it to my cabin, removed my shoes, walked to my room , laid down and cried some more. I had an insight in that moment: I feel inadequate in groups. My stories are reflected back to me through others’ eyes. It is not them judging me; it is me judging myself. They simply hold a mirror for me to see.
I didn’t stay in my room for long. As much as I felt unsure about how to be a part of the group I also really wanted to feel a part of the group. “I just don’t get how they do it. How do they appear so comfortable with each other?”, I asked myself. I have never felt like I fit in and this has been very painful for me all my life.
As the night went on and as everyone mingled I continued observing my thoughts, my sensations, and my patterns. That was the gift I was walking away with: how to observe without reacting. Dhamma.
